Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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