People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
