If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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