I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
