I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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