Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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