Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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