Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
