Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
