seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
porn star boner night. come get it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
