She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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