I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
