Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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