I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
