Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
