i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
foreskin is a definite game changer
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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