Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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