I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
