I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
