Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
