Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
They took my balls.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
