PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
