never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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