why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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