I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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