If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
