Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
