Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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