i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
