I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
