bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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