I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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