Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We are two peas in an std pod
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
