My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
