hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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