Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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