dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
