When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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