are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
