woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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