i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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