Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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