btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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