Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
