woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
