i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
