i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
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i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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