wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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