mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The best revenge is premature balding
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
