Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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