I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
