i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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