I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
