I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i think my cat just said my name.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
