dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize