im about as happy as oj after his trial
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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