you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
