Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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