and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was