Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
