I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love having hate sex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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