i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think your dad took our porno
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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