so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
