genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
